STUPID PET OWNER

I should morph into a wolf and chase your ass through the park.  Yeah, I’m talking’ ‘bout you.  Owning a pet, and never reading a pet manual is like poor parenting.  First, you neglect to wash my dish, as if buying dish detergent depleted your bank account.  By the way, food grade glass or stainless steel dishes are recommended for pets. And make sure its lead free, and not on FDA‘s recall list. When we venture out, carry a silicon collapsible dog dish.  Next, when you sit at Starbucks quenching your thirst, I want a mat, sitting on hot concrete salivating without cushioning is torture.  I’m developing arthritis and calluses, and since you neglect to check my paws, you won’t notice the cracks from walking on concrete during extreme temperatures.  Can you lubricate my paws with olive oil or unscented organic shea butter?  If not, I need to learn how to dial Animal Control to report your daily routine of animal abuse.

Don’t ignore me there’s more.  The other day you left me in the rain as you ate a three-dollar bowl of Cheerios at Cereal Cafe.  I know your true motive was to snag a date; instead, you left empty-handed.  Afterwards, you drag me down the street as I attempt to urinate.  Seeking revenge ’cause your anal-retentive parents potty trained you too earlier.

Without hesitation, we travel to Whole Foods, and then you tether me to a tree  to sit on gravel whimpering.  Ha, ha! You sure looked stupid running out the market screaming, “My dog!  Where’s my dog!?”  If it weren’t for the woman and man rescuing me on Ben Franklin Parkway, and returning me to you I would have been a goner.  I wish one of them had taken me home, because they seem caring.  Once the woman suggested you leave me home during your many errands to places that don’t permit pets, you prove your stupidity by saying, “I do this all the time.”  Well, I had enough, and one day you’ll be sorry.  Hmmh, maybe falling in the pothole as you text is enough punishment.

by Monique Gordon (shorter version  published in City Paper-I Love You, I Hate You)