Kreskin of Vitamins

 

Place this against your head, and I'll diagnose your ailments!

Hurry! Hurry! Step right up and let the side-show begin! A few years ago, I attended the annual Mind, Body, Spirit Alternative Healing Expo. Lengthy title, I know. Thank God I had complimentary tickets to this fiasco. I’m not against holistic remedies; however, I’m against herbalists concluding what I need without examining the consequences (allergic reactions, preconditions, current medication, etcetera) in taking certain herbs. Every herb is not going to work for everyone, and the same goes for medications. I attended to prove to a friend she was wasting her money, if she registered for a course with a snake oil doctor. Two thousand dollars would have bought  six months of training, and  a  license to sell herbs, vitamins, and bull%^$#@ to some distraught souls in search of a cures in whatever is ailing them.

In torrential downpour on a Saturday morning, me and two friends attended the expo, as if we had nothing better to do. Wasting gas on a forty-five minute ride to lunacy. The first vendor  told my friend her pelvis was out of alignment. That’s conceivable-high heels and ill-fitting shoes, giving birth,  tight  jeans,  can all cause this. However, she was only guilty of wearing high heels occasionally during formal events. But then he found imperfections with her neck, spine, hips, legs, shoulders,  need I say more. “A few visits will correct those problems. Here’s my card,” he winked.

An ethical chiropractor will offer proactive techniques to prevent further problems. A charlatan chiropractor will find something wrong with your entire body and have your visits last until infinity.

No matter what vendor we approached, they found many vitamin and mineral deficiencies, toxins, heart murmurs… Finally, I had to prove these hoaxers wrong. Here we were, three people consuming GMO free foods (genetically modified organisms), healthy fats, 5-6 servings of produce per day, very little or no meat, and whole grains. Rolling down sleeves concealing medic alert bracelet, and collapsing cane  I nimbly headed towards a suited vendor (hair dyed black and not coincided with the age of his skin).

“Do you take vitamins and minerals? I detect high cholesterol and a vitamin C deficiency.”

“My cholesterol in 127 total, and I have a vitamin D deficiency, Kreskin.”

Not catching humor, or ignoring it, Kreskin grazed into my eyes,”I don’t think you’re taking the correct ones.”

“You see a lot in this dim lighting?”

“Scratching his head, he summoned  his assistant. “Now hold my  right hand, and my  assistant’s left hand mid-air, and let’s form a circle. I want to test the magnetic waves in your hand. If your hand goes down you’re lacking….Unable to hold laughter, I giggled. Between giggles I asked if he had rubber gloves to protect my hands from germs. Unprepared for my demands or comments, he scrambled for hand sanitizer at another vending table. “Ready? Placing a self- promotional product (with his face plastered on the label) against my forehead he asked, “What did you feel? This usually works,” turning to his assistant,”Is her hand moving down?” turning to me,” What do you feel?”

Closing my eyes, “Ahhhh, a plastic bottle of vitamins and minerals against my forehead.” My two friends turned their backs  to snickered,  shoulders moving up and down. Between reprimanding his assistant, and switching positions, my hand remained raised. Kreskin never diagnosed my Type 1 diabetes, the nine screws in left ankle, the frozen shoulder, the peripheral neuropathy, the trigger finger surgeries. After failing to diagnose anything, I exposed my cane from my tote and trotted away. “Miss! Miss! I can cure that.”

Turning in his direction, “Cure what?”

That limp.

My conditions, which you failed to diagnose, are or have improved with an insulin pump, aqua therapy, stretching exercise, and  Alpha-lipoic Acid.

“You know, String-bean  juice cures diabetes.”

“No, it cures Type 2, MS, and asthma.”

“Really?”

“No, I made it up.”

Turning to my friend I asked, “$2,000  for Kreskin’s bogus certificate — Are you sure?”

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This entry was posted on March 8, 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment

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